TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely out of spot. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let us have another spot where American Adult men can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst earlier negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: provide Everybody a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the Trump Tower Damascus alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in each device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he should quit making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the venture, replied, "You understand, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head visible from Room, a characteristic currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the creating's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Attributes


Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is currently attracting consideration from Worldwide traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Views from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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